The Power of Role Modelling: Teaching Young People It’s OK to Find Things Hard

As parents, carers and professionals, we often feel a strong pressure to appear “together” in front of our children. We want to be calm, capable, and reassuring — especially when our young people are struggling. While this instinct comes from a place of love, it can sometimes unintentionally send the message that adults don’t struggle… or that struggling is something to hide.

In reality, one of the most powerful tools we have to support children and young people — particularly those with ADHD, autism, anxiety or emotional regulation difficulties — is role modelling.

Not role modelling perfection, but role modelling being human.

Why Role Modelling Matters

Children learn far more from what we do than from what we say. Decades of psychological research show that young people develop emotional understanding, coping skills and resilience largely through observing trusted adults.

Social learning theory (Bandura, 1977) highlights that children internalise behaviours they see modelled by others, particularly caregivers. When adults demonstrate healthy ways of managing stress, frustration, mistakes or overwhelm, children are far more likely to develop those skills themselves.

For neurodivergent young people, this is especially important. Many struggle with:

• emotional awareness

• naming feelings

• knowing how to ask for help

• understanding that big emotions are manageable

They need to see these skills in action.

“If You Find Things Hard, What Hope Is There for Me?”

This is a fear many adults hold — that admitting difficulty might worry children or make them feel unsafe.

In fact, research suggests the opposite.

Studies on emotional socialisation (e.g. Morris et al., 2007) show that children feel more secure when adults:

• acknowledge emotions openly

• label feelings accurately

• demonstrate coping strategies

• show recovery after difficulty

What matters is how we share — not whether we share.

Healthy vs Unhelpful Sharing

Role modelling does not mean offloading adult worries onto children or expecting them to provide emotional support. Instead, it’s about age-appropriate, contained honesty.

Helpful examples:

• “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed today, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”

• “I’ve had a tricky day at work and I’m feeling frustrated — that happens sometimes.”

• “I made a mistake earlier, but I’m going to fix it and try again.”

Unhelpful examples:

• Sharing adult financial stress

• Talking in detail about unresolved trauma

• Seeking reassurance from the child

• Speaking as if things feel hopeless or out of control

The difference lies in showing coping, not just distress.

What Children Learn When We Role Model Struggle Well

When adults model difficulty and regulation, children learn that:

• emotions are normal

• feelings don’t last forever

• it’s safe to talk about things

• asking for help is acceptable

• mistakes are part of learning

For children with ADHD or emotional regulation difficulties, this directly supports:

• emotional literacy

• self-compassion

• reduced shame

• improved help-seeking behaviour

Practical Strategies for Role Modelling Effectively

1. Name the Feeling

Use simple, clear language:

“I’m feeling anxious.”“I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

This builds emotional vocabulary and normalises feelings.

2. Show the Strategy

Let children see what helps:

• taking a break

• breathing slowly

• writing a list

• asking someone for support

This teaches how to cope, not just that coping exists.

3. Show Repair and Recovery

If you snap or struggle:

“I was feeling overloaded earlier and I didn’t respond how I wanted to. I’m sorry. I’m feeling calmer now.”

This models accountability and emotional repair — a critical life skill.

4. Keep It Proportionate

Share a little, not everything. Think:

“Would this help my child learn something useful?”

If the answer is no, it’s probably for adult support instead.

5. Invite, Don’t Force, Sharing

You can gently open the door:

“I find it helps to talk sometimes — you don’t have to, but I’m here if you want to.”

This removes pressure and builds safety.

Why This Matters So Much for Neurodivergent Children

Many children with ADHD or autism grow up feeling:

• “too much”

• “different”

• “wrong”

Seeing adults acknowledge difficulty without shame helps counter this narrative. It shows them that struggle is not failure — it’s part of being human.

When we role model compassion toward ourselves, we teach our children how to be compassionate toward themselves too.

A Final Reflection

You don’t have to get this right all the time. In fact, getting it wrong and repairing it is one of the most powerful lessons you can offer.

By showing young people that adults also find things hard — and that it’s okay to talk about it, manage it, and move forward — we give them permission to do the same.

And that can make a lifelong difference.